Here's the thing. We don't have so much things in common. People keep saying that difference that makes us apart, and that is why we have to find our similarities so we can lessen the 'gap'. BUT, is it true that, when we have similarities, we will not fight? that we will not argue? that we will not COMPETE?

Some say that difference, in other way, can make us perfect. It is like we complement each other and we complete each other, like a miserable puzzle. I have some 'gap' that only you can fill it. Meanwhile, you have some 'gap' that only I can complete it. More or less. They too, say that difference does not necessarily mean bad. For some reason, it can bring good. 

I used to pray to have someone who has different personalities and characteristics with me, so that person would help fixing me, the shortage that I am suffering. Unfortunately, sometimes I feel that my words against myself. My words keep haunting me because I have changed my mind, lately, a lot. It is not a good thing, though I realize that it is me who caused the disaster within me, my body, my mind and my feeling. 

I am scared.

Terrified.

Frightened. 

Afraid.

Horrified.

of a fact that what I've been thinking all this while could be real and happening before my eyes. At that time, I don't know what my reaction would be and what my response could be. Overthinking consumes me. Overthinking kills me. I know and I realize the fantasies and all the fairy tales that I have gone through is some kind of unreal. It sucks and suffocates me, recently. I cannot even forgive myself. I lied to myself and to the people around me. I create war and bizarre. 

I am sorry.

Although I acknowledge that sorry can't fix it, at least I can stop lying to the people around me. At least I could be honest and true to the other people so they would not keep on depending and hoping for me, right? 

Self-centered is another thing. I am an egoistic person, to be frank. I am what they call me, 'jahil', for you might perceive it as 'stupid'. Yes I am stupid, dumb, imbecile, idiot, dunderhead. knucklehead, brainless and the list goes on, you name it. 

A friend once told me that stupid person is the one who is egoistic because he/she doesn't want to admit their stupidness. I might say that person is ME.

I may be saying that I don't need your help simply because I think I am good enough.

I may be saying that I don't need your advice simply because I think I am brilliant enough.

I may be saying that I don't need your guidance simply because I think I can do it all by myself.

I may be saying that I don't need your love simply because I think I don't need one.

for as 

I don't realize that I actually need help because I am paralyzed.

I don't realize that I actually need advice because I need to know that someone out there still care for me.

I don't realize that I actually need guidance because I have lost track.

I don't realize that I actually need love because everything in this world need one.

I can't do this alone. I can't do this all by myself.

One thing for sure my little one, whatever I do, please don't leave me. I will be waiting until the time comes. I just need to get a grip before I do something big and maybe could change my whole life. I need time, as much as I can get. Hold on. Please..