What an annoying scene to start a day. Like seriously. 

Actually yesterday I have to go to Pontian to celebrate my aunt's retitrment day with family, but I honestly don't have the desire to go. Not because I don't appreciate my aunt, but because of my mother's unpleasant mood in the early morning.

Like other days, I woke up to perform Subuh and sometimes after that, I played with my phone or sometimes I'll go downstairs to fill my water bottle. But that day (yesterday), I slept right after performing solat. Didn't realize that I overslept, my sister called me to help at the kitchen, to make a preparation for the celebration's meal.

Then I was ooo i forgot, okay imma go to the kitchen to see what I can help, but first, let me take a breakfast! I said in my heart. As I reached the kitchen, I saw my mother goreng kacang to make sambal kacang. Then I purposely la asked her, "umi nak buat sambal kacang ke tu?"

Silence.

So I asked again, "nak buat sambal kacang eh tu" 

Then, out of sudden, tak semena menanya, my mother sort of throw the sudip that she used atas dapur while uttering word "YELAH!!!!" Then I realized omg she's angry. In the morning.

At first I was like, surprised. But since I just woke up and still mamai, I kinda don't know how to react and clueless. Clearly, not understand at all why she behaved so. Mad woman in the kitchen. Then she went away. So I just continued goreng that kacang sampai habis. 5 to 6 minutes seem so long at that time as I was still unclear what she mad for.

While goreng that kacang, I kinda can't feel anything. I don't feel sad, or surprised anymore. So I was thinking, does it because I wake up late? Does it because I don't remember that today we're gonna go to pontian? Or what?

Honestly mother, it is very plain annoying. Shouting like that and throw sudip in front of me without me clearly know what was up is obviously annoying. 

If my points are true that you're mad because of me waking up late, why don't you do the same to my other sisters? And that one brother? Why would you just only mad at me? Seriously can't see the correlation here. Make it make sense please. Heck lame.

So afterwards, I basuh baju, to redeem my fault (though I'm still not sure what I was sorry for). After done with it, I tak jadi take my breakfast. Not hungry at all. Because of that annoyance she bring at the early morning. Once again, annoying. 

What I did was going upstairs and do my work la since I have mid term coming soon. I don't continue helping mother at kitchen no more. Bet she doesn't want to see my cute face, so I just have to run away la from dapur. 

It's quite unfair and unacceptable when parents being picky & choosy which child that they want to be mad at that day. And if they already picked one (for committing wrong act), parents might not get mad at other children who committed the same wrong too (in this case, the younger children).

Dengan adik-adik, buat relax je tak marah. Lempang takde. Baling sudip takde. Kena merajuk takde. Dengan yang dah tua macam aku ni (takdelah tua sangat, aku anak keempat), ehhhhh suka dia baling sudip tu ya nak tunjuk marah. Berani. Depan adik adik lain tak berani. Yikes. Plus, amboii, kalau dengan anak lelaki paling sayang betul. Mungkin sebab anak laki dah kerja, and selalu bagi duit? Double yikes. 

Honestly penat. I think dari dulu lagi mother acted like this. I know she's a human being too. She has feelings blablabla. She makes mistakes blablabla. But consider this, I am a child, I am a human, and I have feelings too. Please note that she often do this to me only. Yang lain rasa macam tak ada lah sesi drama air mata sangat, takde drama minta maaf, tahu2 je dah reconcile. While me, me lah yang kena ada sesi drama air mata, me lah yang kena approach dia untuk minta maaf and macam macam lagi. 

Back then, a long time ago, when I approach her to say sorry, she said something like "umi tahu umi tak pandai jaga anak" haaaaa cry la dua dua waktu tu kat situ. Tapi sekarang nak je reply balik "if tak tahu jaga anak, fix la your problem"

But anyway, not gonna talk about this too much and blame on her, I know mother and father do very much they can to take care all of us. Maybe tadi dia tak sanggup tahan je kot (sebab ada masalah lain kot?) Maybe. Well good luck handling your emotions. 

Can't wait to get out of this house, to get a job. I may not know how terrible the world out there, but leaving this house might open new door for me to be better and not having feud with the ones I love anymore. It's not great, it's suffocating. And plain annoying.

I feel "geli" to fight with someone and then kena mintak maaf, like urgh geli. Dah la I don't know what I did wrong. Tahu2 je kena pulau.

Tadi while contemplating, I asked Allah to make me not having this behavior. I asked Allah, if I have children one day, I don't want to treat my children like this. I will not treat my children with unfairness. I will teach them how to properly do house chores regardless boys or girls, they have to do the same thing to avoid bias/discrimination. I want a happy and just family comes from me. I hope I will not repeat what my parents have done wrong. I really wanna be great parents to nurture good behavior in my children. 

Note: still haven't reconciled with mother, because mehh penat. Cepatlah 2021 datang awal sikit. Tak larat nak hadap masalah kelas online pastu orang dalam rumah ni tak faham asyik suruh kita buat kerja itu ini. Lepastu ada 2 ekor toyol yang suka merajuk sepanjang masa and pemalas nak mampos (tak setara dengan gelaran hafizah-to-be) Macamana ni hafizah-to-be yang katanya boleh tarik parents masuk syurga ni ada perangai macamni.

Hahaha. Wow. What a post.

Fara Fasihah,

6 December 2020 

12.50 am

 Sejak kecik, I've always wanted to go to the countries where they have those 4 seasons: winter, spring, fall, summer. Sebenarnya masa mula2 dapat tahu pasal 4 musim ni, aku secara automatik nak merasa pengalaman musim sejuk. Yelah, kat Malaysia ni mana ada salji. Benda yang 'rare' takkan lah kita tak nak cuba, betul tak? 

Tapi lama kelamaan, I wonder if my yearn for snow is really good to me. Growing up as a girl yang ada masalah resdung, yang selalu bersin masa solat subuh, yang tak tahan dengan aircond, yang tak tahan dengan udara sejuk, how am i supposed to endure the suffer in winter??

Another part of me saying, "hmmm probability untuk pergi ke negara yang ada salji ni sangatlah rendah. Kenapa sibuk-sibuk fikir doh?" Ye tak ya jugak kan! Haha

I guess it is what it is. 

But if one day I got the chance to really experience winter, I don't know if I would accept or reject it. Dilema. Aku mungkin accept sebab aku nak immerse in a new situation. Or aku mungkin decline sebab I know I might be suffer from it and menyusahkan orang lain. That's just how life works, no? Sometimes we cannot get what we wish for. I believe Allah wanted to give something better for me, or He just wanted to protect me from dying, who knows.

Being in Malaysia, the thing yang super close keadaanya to salji is AIR CONDITIONER. 

By air conditioner, I mean the one yang kuat gila sejuknya, like dalam hotel, bilik tidur, and perpustakaan UIA :p

Ya Allah, the suhu really got me like "ahhhhhhhh please tinggikan suhu dia please, tak tahan"

And after that, I will keep bersin and hingus and bersin and hingus and bersin and hingus and the cycle keeps going on until I suffer from running nose/selsema/hidung luka (due to hembus hingus kuat sangat). Not only I suffer, but every people around me will too sebab diorang terpaksa dengar aku hembus kuat sangat. It's suffocating. Air conditioner is not really good for me.

But nevertheless, air cond yang aku rasa kat mall, pasaraya, or pejabat are not that bad. Sebab suhu diorang just nice and tak menyeksakan hidung. I'm comfortable to breath and feel the air. It's just nice. Hehe

Tapi if I still wanna keep myself warm even in that nice cold air, I will gladly take my Abe's sweater and wear it lovingly. Bila pakai sweter Abe tu, I feel like he's hugging me. I wish it's real hehe. A very useful present that he ever gave me so far.

Hargai masa sekarang.

I appreciate and am grateful living in Malaysia. A very nice weather for my body and soul (cuma sometimes jela terlebih panas, I mean CLIMATE CHANGE) 

May this peace keep long lasting in Malaysia. And I hope that this country will operate and be guided by dedicated and humble lineup of politicians who are keen to help all people in this society. All. Including indigenous people. Let's pray.