Pre Final Year.

Bila dah nak jejak final year ni mesti teringatkan apalah yang kita buat dari first year jadi student uia sampai dah nak masuk tahun terakhir ni. Everything seems passing by swiftly..quickly.. not giving a damn pun pasal aku yang dah sampai tahap macamni. Apa-apa pun, what an honour you guyss. I have finally come this far.

Dulu masa 1st year, aku memang fikir "alaaaa lambat lagi ni, 4 tahun aku kat sini, aku nak enjoy and have fun banyak-banyak" BOY WAS I WRONG hahahaha.. Life is too short actually bila kau tak ada fokus. Aku mengaku aku banyak tersasar dan banyak miss peluang masa belajar dan hidup kat bumi uia, but that time has passed by pun. If aku nak regret dengan semua ni, I can, I am, and still am because I did not set my focus in the very beginning. 

Why aku cakap macamni?

Sebab semalam aku baru dapat result untuk tahun ketiga second semester. It was great. Alhamdulillah.

But then, aku tergerak hati nak bukak i-maalum, so I did. And aku observe prestasi result aku dari first year sampai la result semalam. Ada something yang mengganggu aku. I'm not sure what causes it, but I'll try to compose here to get my own gist.

Prestasi tahun pertama was good. I got DL. Because aku ada set mind aku nak buat yang terbaik for 1st year, so that aku boleh maintain result tu sampailah semester seterusnya.. Alhamdulillah, it went well, as time passes, my result increases and that makes me got DL for 3 consecutive semesters. Untill......

One day.. aku tak dapat DL. The feeling that time, aku masih tak rasa apa sangat..But looking at it now, it seems unsettling and different. Imagine from 3.61 and suddenly merudum dapat solid 3.00 je. Hahahaha. I'm not sure if korang yang baca ni cakap aku kerek ke, show off ke, but that is exactly how I feel. I'm still an average student. Even now pun, aku still tak boleh rasa aku akan jadi top students. Benda ni jelas sebab I don't want to. I'm searching for something else, not this grade sangat pun (kalau dapat, that's bonus).

Maybe aku memang cuma nak maintain jadi average student je kot. But who cares about that?

The semester yang aku dapat 3.00 tu memang reasonable kot. Sebab subjek waktu tu banyak yang buat aku stressed dan lonely. Macam tak ada kawan sangat yang boleh diajak berbincang or maybe sebab aku kurang suka dengan lecturers waktu tu (I don't know but it kinda true). Or maybe sebab aku banyak main-main, outing selalu or aku tak hormat kawan-kawan aku (i think this is true too)

I've learned my lesson, and I don't learn some too. But I bet that's just life. We experienced it, are experiencing it and will definitely experience it again.

Anyway alhamdulillah, I managed to increase it bit by bit...not so great, but I did it anyway.

Until yesterday comes, I'm grateful. It was 3.61 

Apa-apa pun, I don't judge my intelligence and good behaviour based on my result. I just want to compose here so that I can remember this very beautiful moment and get over it. I'm getting 23 anyway. I wonder what awaits me..

There are still so much more to explore right?

I'm sorry if I ever did hurt anyone, either to my friends, my family, the people that passed by in my life, and I'm sorry too to myself for not taking a good care of you, for always eating unhealthy food, and for having sleep routine problem. I'm sorry because I'm gonna do it again.. 

Dear self, all the best for your upcoming phase in your life. 

Please be healthy, earn more, respect people, and make new friends. 

Ya Allah, please do not let myself astray from your true path. Surround me with good people and give me strength to live my life. And please bless my family, especially my parents a healthy body, healthy mind and healthy ibadah to you. Aamiin. 

Fara Fasihah

5 Februari 2020 - 11.39 pm

I fall in love with the version of you that does not exist.

That's it. That's the statement. Language ni ambiguos tau. A statement sometimes doesn't mean what you think it is. From the statement above, what can you deduce? What is your take on it?

Personally, bila aku baca je ayat "I fall in love with the version of you that does not exist", aku terus boleh click. I link it with my love life (of course).

Kita ni dalam man-woman relationship mesti ada simpan "expectation" yang tinggi pada pasangan masing-masing. Maksudnya kat sini, in my love life, aku selalu harap F boleh jadi seorang yang way romantic, aku selalu harap F boleh buat surprise macam pakwe2 kat twitter buat kat makwe diorang, selalu expect F akan datang jumpa aku kat U, dan macam-macam lagi lah yang ada dalam kepala aku ni.

Mustahil aku tak pernah terberangan atau terbayang that F gonna meet my expectations for this and that in our relationship. But somehow, aku kadang-kadang ada rasa juga what I think selama ni sebenarnya salah..

Aku tak boleh paksa F untuk buat macam-macam untuk aku, aku tak boleh paksa F untuk do this do that for me, for the sake of my own selfishness plate. I don't. I don't deserve that. And F does not deserve to be treated like I was hoping him to. I cannot.

I mean, siapa aku untuk dia selalu manja-manjakan?

Siapalah aku ni untuk dia puaskan?

Siapalah aku ni untuk dia mengikut segala peraturan yang aku tetapkan?

I am actually no one. In fact, no link at all, unless we got married.

Aku sebenarnya ada terfikir juga.

I have the thought that when I asked him to be the one that I want, I actually stop him from becoming who he is. It's as if I'm not gonna love him for him. It's like I'm being selfish all over again, and the cycle keeps going on and on and on...

Jauh dari lubuk hati aku, I really wanna change that. I really wanna love F for who he is. Biarlah dia tak romantik ke, tak selalu bawak jalan-jalan ke, tak meet the expectations of typical society's love life ke, I still wanna love him sincerely.

Aku tak nafikan in every relationship, we have this kind of desire untuk puaskan diri kita masing-masing. Tak dinafikan jugak sebenarnya kita pun selfish too. But I really hope, I really do, yang aku akan mampu bersabar dan terima segala kekurangan yang F ada. Sebab mana ada manusia sempurna. Aku pun kena tukar cara fikiran aku. Aku tak patut salah anggap dan overthinking pada F tiap kali dia tak meet expectations aku. Kejam kan aku?

To reconstruct my belief system ni memang susah nak praktik, and tak mudah. Aku masih cari cara untuk focus more on something else. Sebab aku dah set mind yang he's mine, so untuk cari priority lain tu agak susah. Sebab I always wanna be with F every single time. Tak nak lepas. Nak dia sorang je.

Hahahaha, cringe lah pulak. Tapi harap post ni takde siapa nak baca sangatlah. Kalau dah baca tu, buat2 diam sudah la 😂 This is private 😇

Berbalik pada fall in love with the version of you that does not exist tu, inilah apa yang aku personally rasa. Kita nak jatuh cinta pada versi pakwe kita yang lain je. Meaning, kita sayang pakwe kita, tapi kita nak pakwe kita tu jadi version yang kita cipta dalam kepala otak kita.

Kenapa kita bodoh sebegini ya tuan tuan? Biarlah manusia terbang dengan bebas menggunakan sayap mereka tanpa diganggu oleh manusia bodoh macam kita. Semua orang layak untuk bercinta, tapi kita tak layak untuk memaksa orang lain mengikut acuan fikiran kita.

Same goes to twitter. Janganlah kerana tweets pakwe makwe yang romantik & sweet, korang pun nak naik kaki paksa pasangan kau buat benda yang sama. Lepastu nak merajuk sebab pakwe kau tak macam pakwe orang lain (what the hell eh?) And also, nasihat yang strangers bagi kat social media tu, janganlah kita terima bulat-bulat. Setiap nasihat ada inti baiknya. Tapi, ambil mana yang betul-betul perlu sahaja. Sebab setiap pasangan dalam dunia ni lain cara pemikiran dan cara diorang meluahkan kasih sayang. Okay?

Ceihhhh, aku ni tetiba bagi nasihat, padahal tak boleh praktik sendiri 😂

P/s: Sebenarnya malam ni ada sedikit unsettling feeling dengan F. Setiap kali gaduh, aku selalu rasa bersalah. Sebab aku lah orang yang selalu cari pasal dulu...F jugalah yang selalu mula minta maaf, dia je yang always bersabar dengan perangai aku. Macamanalah tak sayang???!!!

Pss: F, if you're reading this, please know that I love you. I may misuse my power over you. I may have wronged in expressing my love towards you (istg, i dont know how to control it), so I hope I can be better after this (though I know I will repeat this same mistake all over again), and I hope that you can pray for my wellbeing..as well as I hope that you can be patient and stand by my side every time. Correct me if I'm wrong too. Don't be tired to advise me cause I know I am (and still am) very keras kepala. I sometimes take advices lightly. These are all the reasons why I shouldn't get married yet. Despite financial control, I have no complete power over my emotion. Hold my hand and walk with me, F. Please always stand by my side, F!

Fara Fasihah,

4 Feb 2020 - 12.35 am