What an annoying scene to start a day. Like seriously. 

Actually yesterday I have to go to Pontian to celebrate my aunt's retitrment day with family, but I honestly don't have the desire to go. Not because I don't appreciate my aunt, but because of my mother's unpleasant mood in the early morning.

Like other days, I woke up to perform Subuh and sometimes after that, I played with my phone or sometimes I'll go downstairs to fill my water bottle. But that day (yesterday), I slept right after performing solat. Didn't realize that I overslept, my sister called me to help at the kitchen, to make a preparation for the celebration's meal.

Then I was ooo i forgot, okay imma go to the kitchen to see what I can help, but first, let me take a breakfast! I said in my heart. As I reached the kitchen, I saw my mother goreng kacang to make sambal kacang. Then I purposely la asked her, "umi nak buat sambal kacang ke tu?"

Silence.

So I asked again, "nak buat sambal kacang eh tu" 

Then, out of sudden, tak semena menanya, my mother sort of throw the sudip that she used atas dapur while uttering word "YELAH!!!!" Then I realized omg she's angry. In the morning.

At first I was like, surprised. But since I just woke up and still mamai, I kinda don't know how to react and clueless. Clearly, not understand at all why she behaved so. Mad woman in the kitchen. Then she went away. So I just continued goreng that kacang sampai habis. 5 to 6 minutes seem so long at that time as I was still unclear what she mad for.

While goreng that kacang, I kinda can't feel anything. I don't feel sad, or surprised anymore. So I was thinking, does it because I wake up late? Does it because I don't remember that today we're gonna go to pontian? Or what?

Honestly mother, it is very plain annoying. Shouting like that and throw sudip in front of me without me clearly know what was up is obviously annoying. 

If my points are true that you're mad because of me waking up late, why don't you do the same to my other sisters? And that one brother? Why would you just only mad at me? Seriously can't see the correlation here. Make it make sense please. Heck lame.

So afterwards, I basuh baju, to redeem my fault (though I'm still not sure what I was sorry for). After done with it, I tak jadi take my breakfast. Not hungry at all. Because of that annoyance she bring at the early morning. Once again, annoying. 

What I did was going upstairs and do my work la since I have mid term coming soon. I don't continue helping mother at kitchen no more. Bet she doesn't want to see my cute face, so I just have to run away la from dapur. 

It's quite unfair and unacceptable when parents being picky & choosy which child that they want to be mad at that day. And if they already picked one (for committing wrong act), parents might not get mad at other children who committed the same wrong too (in this case, the younger children).

Dengan adik-adik, buat relax je tak marah. Lempang takde. Baling sudip takde. Kena merajuk takde. Dengan yang dah tua macam aku ni (takdelah tua sangat, aku anak keempat), ehhhhh suka dia baling sudip tu ya nak tunjuk marah. Berani. Depan adik adik lain tak berani. Yikes. Plus, amboii, kalau dengan anak lelaki paling sayang betul. Mungkin sebab anak laki dah kerja, and selalu bagi duit? Double yikes. 

Honestly penat. I think dari dulu lagi mother acted like this. I know she's a human being too. She has feelings blablabla. She makes mistakes blablabla. But consider this, I am a child, I am a human, and I have feelings too. Please note that she often do this to me only. Yang lain rasa macam tak ada lah sesi drama air mata sangat, takde drama minta maaf, tahu2 je dah reconcile. While me, me lah yang kena ada sesi drama air mata, me lah yang kena approach dia untuk minta maaf and macam macam lagi. 

Back then, a long time ago, when I approach her to say sorry, she said something like "umi tahu umi tak pandai jaga anak" haaaaa cry la dua dua waktu tu kat situ. Tapi sekarang nak je reply balik "if tak tahu jaga anak, fix la your problem"

But anyway, not gonna talk about this too much and blame on her, I know mother and father do very much they can to take care all of us. Maybe tadi dia tak sanggup tahan je kot (sebab ada masalah lain kot?) Maybe. Well good luck handling your emotions. 

Can't wait to get out of this house, to get a job. I may not know how terrible the world out there, but leaving this house might open new door for me to be better and not having feud with the ones I love anymore. It's not great, it's suffocating. And plain annoying.

I feel "geli" to fight with someone and then kena mintak maaf, like urgh geli. Dah la I don't know what I did wrong. Tahu2 je kena pulau.

Tadi while contemplating, I asked Allah to make me not having this behavior. I asked Allah, if I have children one day, I don't want to treat my children like this. I will not treat my children with unfairness. I will teach them how to properly do house chores regardless boys or girls, they have to do the same thing to avoid bias/discrimination. I want a happy and just family comes from me. I hope I will not repeat what my parents have done wrong. I really wanna be great parents to nurture good behavior in my children. 

Note: still haven't reconciled with mother, because mehh penat. Cepatlah 2021 datang awal sikit. Tak larat nak hadap masalah kelas online pastu orang dalam rumah ni tak faham asyik suruh kita buat kerja itu ini. Lepastu ada 2 ekor toyol yang suka merajuk sepanjang masa and pemalas nak mampos (tak setara dengan gelaran hafizah-to-be) Macamana ni hafizah-to-be yang katanya boleh tarik parents masuk syurga ni ada perangai macamni.

Hahaha. Wow. What a post.

Fara Fasihah,

6 December 2020 

12.50 am