Now I feel like a total failure and disappointment towards everyone. I let my parents down, I cursed my siblings a lot, I let out my anger to my friends and a special someone.
I didnt know how to begin this.
But I'm pretty sure all of these bad things happen is because of me who dont know how to manage my emotion, how to take control of my rage, and how to calm down my ass.
I acted harshly. I mean like to everybody, especially to my source of happiness; family. I cursed them a lot like they were the ones who caused the mess within me, whereas it was me who being unreasonable.
This is not the first time. But I got the feeling that this time, my emotion really really overpowers me. It hypnotized me. Like this is the biggest emotional imbalance I've experienced in my life. See? I'm such a dumbass.
Several days before raya haji, my siblings were home. So I thought maybe they could help lessening our burden by helping us (me and my mother) cooking, washing dishes, washing clothes and kemas rumah. But hell no. My sister got busy with her work, my brother got distracted by his video games, and my little sister was so damn lazy to even pick up a litter. This was where I cursed them (in my heart). Oh god, it was hurtful because you cannot let it all out. So while I'm helping my mother in the kitchen, I put my anger face. Like totally annoyed with what is happening in this house. Sometimes I even sighed loudly in front of my mom. Oh damn I was so rude! I didnt even think of her feelings. I think she noticed me was not in a good mood, but she just buat biasa, and teruskan kerja. She must get what I was feeling. Hmmmm, I'm a total disappointment. Having said that I'm with my mum doing chores, my leg was really penat sebab kerja berdiri dan berjalan, cant even duduk lama lama. That is one of the reasons my emotion got escalated badly.
Later, on Eidul Adha, my phone got damaged. The screen cannot detect any touch of anyone's finger. So I cannot even slide it to put the phone off mode. Then, I started to burst in tears (not much but I can feel the heat in my eyes). It was my father. He asked me to record a video of spinning my face from above, then it fell down on the floor. At first I didnt seem to not worry because my phone had survived many fall, so I was thinking my phone'e gonna be ok, but heck no. This year, raya such as eidul fitri & eidul adha really got me stressed. Like what's going on, why did Allah test me with this thing. I really cannot take it as it really got me freak out. I know it was a freaking phone. But what would you feel when most of your data, information about your customer, and important pictures were in that damaged phone? What if they got missing? Hey, aku mestilah frustrated nak mampus.
Then with annoying voice and snarky tone, I command my father to buy me a new phone because he was to blame. Then I went upstairs to calm down my ass (apparently still not calm pun). On that very day, he DID buy me a phone. Can you imagine that?
Half of me said that I was an ungrateful daughter sebab put my father in kesusahan because he didn't have much money now to buy a new phone, since my brothers nak kahwin and he had a lot of tanggungan and hutang too.
But half of me also said that I NEED to have this phone because I deserved it. What a jerk of me. See? I'm a disappointment to my parents. I'm such a stupid and idiot person. Bodoh punya Fara tak boleh kawal perasaan, bodoh punya anak tak kenang jasa.
Then after that, my ass slowly calm down...
I started to think rationally. As soon as I got home, aku keluarkan duit simpanan aku sebanyak RM200 to pay my dad back. I realized I was being a badass that day, so I thought this small gesture may make it up. Total phone is RM550, but aku cuba bayar walau tak sampai separuh pun. Gila ke apa kalau aku cakap aku tak rasa bersalah langsung. At first my dad refused to accept the money, but I really insist. I know we're not in such a good situation financially, so I thought it may help my father a bit.
And today, my father sent my old damaged phone to a center to fix it. Aku tak tahu nak rasa bersalah or sedih or gembira sebab my old phone dah kembali pada normal, dah sihat, dah boleh guna macam biasa. It costs nearly RM200. See? Kalau aku kawal perasaan aku waktu tu, aku takde nye lah nak command ayah pi beli phone. And ayah aku tak perlu pun membazir duit belikan phone baru. Pulak tu, cost untuk baik phone lagi. Kan dah banyak keluar duit?! Bodoh punya Fara tak pandai kawal emosi, camsial pun ada jugak aku rasa ni. Ahhhhhh me like pig one. Kesian ayah!!!!
And another thing happen on the same day is...my sister bought me a full set of skincare!!! The thing that make me sooo touched and overwhelmed is that, she did buy the expensive one 😭 It cost 3 digit numbers and I never spend that amount of money for skincare 😭 At that time I was feeling very overwhelmed.... I made mistakes to her a lot, I was being rude, I was talking harshly and banyak melawan, and she did balas me with kindness? Wowww what on earth did I have to deserve ALL OF THIS? Ya Allah, guys,... If you are in my shoe right now, you'll start thinking that I am not a grateful person, that I wronged so many great people in my life, that I wasted my life for being emotional over small and worldly things, that I may be regretting my whole life if I dont make this right.
Aku tahu Allah nak tunjukkan aku sesuatu. And aku tahu setiap perkara yang berlaku pada aku mesti ada hikmah yang Allah nak bagi. Dia nak aku fikir. Dia nak aku jangan ulang kesilapan yang sama. Dia tak nak aku menyesal di kemudian hari. Dia nak aku jaga betul betul orang yang sayang dengan aku. Dia nak aku hargai setiap pemberian Dia, lagi-lagi pemberian Dia yang bernyawa dan ada perasaan ni. Dia nak aku jadi lebih baik, lebih bijak mengawal perasaan. Dia nak aku hormat ibu bapa. Dia nak aku tahu yang doa ibu bapa tu tiada hijab. Dia nak aku doakan yang baik baik untuk keluarga aku.
For sure, dalam mana mana hubungan, mesti ada turun dan naik. Mesti ada waktu kita berbaik, dan ada waktu kita rasa nak bergaduh. Tapi, bak kata pepatah, air yang dicincang tak akan putus. Whatever they do, at the end of the day, I can never hate them forever. I know that there is a special place inside my heart, my family is deeply sealed and cannot be broken by anything no matter what happens (InshaAllah). I love my family. I really do. I just need to learn how to love them more and consistently.
And to my special someone. I also wanna apologize for my annoying and nasty behavior towards you. I know sometimes I can be a crap, but I also could never hate you forever. We just have our own flaws that we should tolerate, and we have to fix the imperfection according to our will. And also accepting. Acceptance is the key to be truly free. And I love you too.
Syukur dan Sabar. Now, big question, do I really learn my lesson?
Am healing,
Fara Fasihah
