Inner crisis

3:32 AM

Haritu Yusra tiba-tiba mesej aku, dan tanya soalan yang orang kata, 'soalan senang tapi susah nak jawab'. Lama juga aku biarkan mesej tu blue tick. Nak tahu tak soalan dia apa?

Yusra: Where do you see yourself in this world? I mean..where do you think you belong?

Aku dapat je soalan ni, aku terus blank! Aduhhh. Masa tu mood aku tengah happy go lucky, and to satisfy his question may not convincing to him, so I just said,

Aku: I feel belong when I'm with my family and close friends only... Itu pun. Sometimes, negative thoughts would come to my mind. I tend to overthink that they don't love me and want to push me away.. I don't know. 

As what you said, bad thoughts always persist.. The place that I feel belong is at home - the places that remind me of home and feel like home. Hahaha for now, it's the only answer I can give to you..

You know guys, bila kita cakap pasal 'home', it can be anything. Asalkan tempat tu selesa. Contohnya, berada dalam pelukan seseorang. This may sound cliche and cheeky, but I AM DEAD SERIOUS.

Yusra: If I were to ask you to mention any name, who would be the first person to instantly pop into your mind?

PAP! I think of my abe, my idiot!

Aku: Someone. A close friend. A guy. Ahahaha. Tak payah mention la kot. You see.. bila kau tanya soalan macam ni, I feel like I am more close to friends, than family.

Yusra: A guy huh. Hahaha. Let me now extend the question... Imagine that there will be a person to whom when I ask the same question, he/she will mention your name. 

Who would that person be? Who would be the person who would instantly mention your name and not other names?

SAVAGE LITTLE YUSRA! I am half to death that time,

Aku: Yusra... aku terkedu.... I think of someone's name... But turns out, I know.. and pretty sure that she will not mention my name. Her name came to my mind simply because she is the one yang pop out on my mind when you ask the second question tadi - "who would be the first person to instantly pop into your mind"

In short, no one. No one would ever mention my name.

Yusra: Exactly my friend. Now know that we are insignificant. We are something to no one. And we are nothing to everyone. The "place" we've been imagining about all this whole time is just a subconscious setting that makes us feel belonged. 

In truth, we belong nowhere. As if we are dead already. But we are not dead. We are in a condition worse than death. We are not forgotten. Worse, we are not even someone's thought, much less of being remembered. 

Whether we are there or not, it makes no difference. We are but a superfluous fragment of someone's memory. One of these days we will be abandoned. Hell! We are not even held anyway.

Waktu ni aku dah meremang dah.

Aku: What if I say all of these are just assumptions? Hahaha weiii ini #ExistentialCrisis . Tapi, You've got your point there, Yusra. So I was thinking... what's the purpose of living? It's like, dalam dunia ni we have to be selfish. Because at the end of the day, no one cares... Macam tu ke?

Yusra: No.. the point is.. there's no meaning to life. So what's the point of living?

Aku: Wow.. I don't even know why I'm living!

Yusra: Exactly. Kadang2 aku fikir aku patut habiskan je hidup aku ni. Buat apa hidup kalau sudah tiada makna. Tapi yang masih menahan aku daripada bunuh diri cuma agama je. Aku sudah berhutang dengan Tuhan, aku tak mahu menambah hutang aku.

MINDFUCKED! He is totally Attasian, you know. Mentioning 'hutang' like that, remind me of the learning in class in Islamic Aqidah.

Aku: Yusra.. Itu.. sangat amusing. No, I mean, the fact that you use religion as penghalang kau untuk bunuh diri - lepas semua soalan-soalan kau ni. Alaaaa tak reti nak explain. Tapi your response amazes me. Aku tak pernah terfikir sampai macamtu sekali.. Seriously, you must have been using your quite time just to figure out this, don't you?

Yusra: I've been using all the time I have in this life to answer these questions. But they were fucking unanswerable.

Aku: I don't know what else to say. Tapi.. this reminds me of a saying - Cherish the moment we have now - while it lasts. As for you, you're going to Japan, there are books that are waiting for you to read them, and all. So are you going to make the questions keep unanswerable?

Yusra: As long as it needs to be continually asked.

MasyaAllah his words, I never get tired of it. Well-managed betul.

Aku: Okay. So Yusra.. Kau tanya soalan ni kat siapa je selain aku?

Yusra: Only you. Entahlah sebab apa. Tapi aku rasa macam cuma kau je yang betul-betul pernah merenung soalan-soalan ni. Even my closest circle pun tak ditanya.

Okay..... That absolutely makes me speechless. Idola kita tanya soalan tu kat kita je. Siapa yang tak rasa lain macam kan? It is like, an odd joy, kahkah.

Aku: What makes you think so? But really. Aku pernah terfikir soalan macam ni waktu kat padang, kat sekolah rendah. That was the only moment yang aku ingat yang aku tanyakan pada diri aku sendiri - Why am I here?

Why do I live? Woaahhhh. Throwback betul ni.

Yusra: Only a tormented person can recognize a tormented person.


Aku: You see me as a tormented person, Yusra? Pernah cuba tanya pada orang-orang yang ada depresi tak? I'm not sure. But I think they can give different answers. Is it? I don't know. Just saying.

Yusra: Admit it.. you're in a crisis too sebenarnya. An existential crisis is a moment at which an individual questions the very foundations of their life: whether this life has any meaning, purpose, or value. It is commonly tied with depression and/or a feeling of a lack of purpose in life, e.g. "One day I will be forgotten.. what is the point of all of my work."

Does this ever occur to you? Is it frequent?

He took the definition kat Wikipedia, you know

Aku: I'm in a crisis not knowing what I know right now. It did happen. But not frequent. Not now anymore. Unless.. it does happen, cuma aku je tak perasan. Maybe??

Yusra: Welcome back to the herd then. Maknanya aku je laa yang masih sesat. 

Aku: Hahaha amboii. Thanks for welcoming. I won't respond. You know better, Yusra. And thanks for asking me questions!

Yusra: *sad face with OK sign*

And it ended. Just like that. How I wish I could talk more. And the way that conversation end is like what the hell. We didn't come up to closure at all! Grrrrr. My fault, haihh.

Whatever it is, sekarang ni Yusra ada kat Jepun. InshaAllah for about 10 days. Ada program intelektual apa entah. And he deserve it, everyone knows it. I wish him best of luck! :D

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